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Discover the secrets of presentation that will make people buy
whatever you
sell.
4
Steps to Being More Assertive
By Dr.
Tony Fiore
45 year old Judy revealed in an anger management
class that she was constantly angry at her husband. When asked why,
she revealed that her aged mother lives next door and she always
felt conflicted whether to spend time with her husband or her mother
after work.
She loved
them both, but resented her husband's becoming demanding and upset
when she spent needed time with her mother instead of being with
him. Judy revealed that she dealt with the situation by ignoring her
husband when he expressed displeasure - with disastrous results.
These included constant bickering and tension in the home as well as
emotional distance from each other.
How much
better the outcome would have been had Judy used basic skills of
assertive communication.
What is
assertive communication?
It is a
way to communicate to your family your rights, feelings and needs-
but in a good way. It is a method of letting family members know
where you stand on things and what your limits and boundaries are.
Assertive
communication allows you to clarify communication and stand up for
yourself without making things worse or getting a negative result or
response from your loved ones.
Four
Steps to Assertive Communication:
Step 1-
Send clear messages
Turns out
Judy had never clearly told her husband how she felt when he put
pressure on her to spend time with him instead of her mother. When
she did discuss it, she hemmed, hawed and stammered with almost no
eye contact.
As a
result her husband was not getting a clear message. To communicate
clearly, look at your posture and your facial expressions, as well
as your hand and arm movements. Pay special attention to your tone
of voice which can say volumes beyond your words.
Step 2 -
Learn how to listen
Assertive
people have developed their listening skills. While hearing is done
with your ears, true listening is done with your heart. To be a
better communicator, start by becoming a better listener.
Step 3 -
Start the conversation with "I feel" rather than "you
should."
Words
have tremendous power to determine how other people experience us,
and how they respond to an issue.
For this
reason, people with good assertive communication skills focus on the
problem behavior (and not the character of the person), stick to the
point, don't use labels, and make "I" statements rather than "you"
statements.
Judy
tried this with her husband and it worked very well. Here is what
she said: "Honey, I love you and want to be with you, but I also
need to be with my mother now. Could you get along without me for a
hour a night? I'll try to always be back by 8:30 PM."
Step 4 -
Acknowledge your part in the conflict or issue
Anger is
often an escalating process, involving two people who create a
negative feeling in each other, sometimes instantly and sometimes
over a long period of time.
It is
natural to blame another family member entirely for the problem,
especially when we are angry or in a defensive mode.
But, once
we return to normal, the assertive communicator is able to accept
some of the responsibility for the conflict. This acceptance and
acknowledgement of your contribution to the problem is an indication
of emotional maturity and can create an entirely different
atmosphere between conflicting family members.
Try
saying the following things to promote communication:
- My
reactions were too extreme. I'm sorry. - Even though I still feel I
was right about the issue, my reaction wasn't right and I apologize.
- I never thought of things that way. - Let me start again in a
different way. - I can see my part in all this.
To Judy's
delight, when she practiced saying some of these things to her
husband in a loving way, he began changing too. Almost immediately,
he became less demanding, more understanding, and more aligned with
her so both of them could better care for her aging mother.
2005 ©
Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.
About the
author:
Dr. Tony Fiore (www.angercoach.com)
is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management
trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress
management programs, training and products to individuals, couples,
and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming
The Anger Bee" at
www.angercoach.com
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